Funranium Labs

After roughly two weeks of maximum output BBotE production, I can finally come up for some air and share some tinkering that I’ve been doing and respond to some requests. For folks who ended up waiting more than a week for me to finally get something out your way, I’d like to apologize for that and I hope that the BBotE was worth the wait.

But first I want to share something wonderful with you. It is called The Cup of Hate:

Despite a 350ml FMJ stein being my vessel for coffee administration, I find it hard to not be jealous of Test Subject Miller’s creation. Oh Zardoz, your budgie smuggler will haunt humanity through the ages.

Next, Steinwielder Thornber made a special request of me several weeks ago. He has a 665ml FMJ stein but has always been too worried about his fellow passengers to comfortably transport it from home, to his local watering holes, and back again in a more inebriated manner. He’d also found that his preference for some of the local Belgians was not particularly suited to the imperial pint size. He wanted to know if it was possible to make a 350ml stein in the style of the “rugged” 665ml FMJ.

I told him I didn’t know, but I’d be willing to tinker around with it. The result worked quite well. It’s heavier than the normal 350ml FMJ, but it gets the job done. Because you never, ever, buy just one of anything when you’re experimenting (have to expect failures) the twin to Steinwielder Thornber’s 350ml rugged FMJ stein is now in the Prototypes & Clearance section.

Speaking of the Prototypes & Clearance section…

Courtesy of the many, many, MANY new eyeballs that have graced the website since Test Subject McKinney casually mentioned Black Blood of the Earth in an article he wrote for Cracked.com in his author’s info block (and I’m not quite sure if I want to thank or shoot him for that), I’ve had a lot of folks asking why I didn’t have samplers of Death Wish, Mundo Nuvo, etc. Honest answer, because I haven’t been able to maintain sufficient supplies of all them to be able to think of offering a Sampler II, Electric Boogaloo. Now that the order wave has passed, I can and it is now up there. Sampler II will always be limited in inventory and the limited runs may shift over time as given roasters run out of certain varietals.

SHORT VERSION: Go here, figure out a way to buy ALL THE THINGS. You’re welcome.

DISCLOSURE: I get nothing out of this beyond my friends being able to write more comics and me being able to read them. So, yes, it is entirely selfish on my part.

For those of you new to my rambling, I will from time to time take a moment to share things I think you all need to know about to help make the world a better place. Better is defined by my highly subjective and personal standards of More Awesome that will get people thinking about and enjoying the world they live in.

One of those things that qualifies for this is the comic Atomic Robo, by Brian Clevinger, Scott Wegener, Rhonda Pattison, Jeff Powell and the unofficial fifth Beatles of Team Robo that helps them spake Angleesh much da goods, Lee Black.

They are embarking on their sixth volume now but, thanks to their Promise and understanding of the narrative art/storytelling structure, you can happily drop in at any point story that spans the 90 year long (thus far) life of Atomic Robo and you’ll be no worse for wear. I’m gonna strongly recommend you read all of it because I like you and want you to have More Awesome in your life, but you may feel free to start at Volume 6, Issue 1.

Volume 6, Atomic Robo and the Ghost of Station X, starts with the wonderful combined narrative threads of astronauts in trouble and the mystery of why someone stole a building from Blechtley Park. If that isn’t enough to sell you on wanting to know the rest of the story, I don’t know what will. There is also, teehee, a glorious surprise in it.

I’ve had the pleasure of meeting the creators, caffeinating the bejeezus out of them, and then setting them loose on the world of comics once more. It’s sort of like a creative catch and release program. I’ve had the pleasure of being science sounding board for them for several years now. It’s one of those things that makes my day when I get a fresh email along the lines of “Phil, how does *INSERT HORRIBLE THING HERE* work and how can it be made More Awesome?”

I adore Atomic Robo for more or less the same reasons I loved the cartoons Animaniacs and Invader Zim. For one, they’re funny and they’re funny on multiple levels, which makes them appealing to both kids and adults. Second, they are smart. There’s a lot more than just funny and Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius, grade explosions. If you aren’t careful, you’ll accidental learn things. And third, the detail in both words and art. Brian & Scott have managed to hide an awful lot of things that give the world of Atomic Robo depth and character. I can see where Scott went off the deep end and spent hours researching engineering awards from the height of the Jet Age, just to make a logo look right for the era. They’re crazy, but it’s crazy I appreciate.

Enough of my words. Go buy it, read it, and enjoy it. Then go buy more and give it to a child you wish to corrupt.

There have been enough/sufficient repetition of questions that another Q&A is in order. Without further ado, The Questions!

Question 1: Why do you only offer the special production stuff in 750ml bottles? Why can’t I get a Death Wish Jug of Madness?

Answer: 4L of Death Wish BBotE?!? I worry about you guys sometimes. Honestly, I can put anything in any kind of container I want. The reason I default to 750ml bottles is that it lets me divvy out a small run into enough bottles that more people will get a stab at picking one up. Making jugs of the special runs would tend to suck up most of that production without sharing. With that said, if you want a different size of something special, all you have to do is ask and be understanding that it may cause some delay.

Question 2: Are you going to sell/license BBotE to Starbucks/Stumptown/Dunkin Donut/etc.?

Answer 2: Not intending on it, no. I also kind of doubt it’s their thing. Coffee is a very high profit product for them that accompanies the sale of various pastries. BBotE, simply put, isn’t. The coffee input, scientific apparatus, and space/time commitment defeat that at all levels. I’ve also found BBotE production doesn’t scale well, so you can’t just have someone minding a giant vat in the back because geometry matters to the flavor. On that note, I’d just like to say that it’s really disturbing to have a lesson I learned in Criticality Safety apply to coffee.

Question 3: Are you ever going to tell any more Antarctica stories?

Answer: As my Lovely Assistant can attest, you are hard pressed to get me to not tell them but free time is the great limiting factor. I’d actually been contemplating a very vital Antarctica topic while I was in Reno: toilets. It’s also is likely to fulfill one of the legs of the Tripod of Humor (puns, groinings, poop jokes) so it is a tale that demands to be told. Another day.

Question 4: Why don’t you have the HDPE watertight lids for the normal Steins of Science instead of just the rugged style?

Answer: Because I’m a slacker? A better excuse is that the HDPE lids are a lot of work to make, each one is unique to the Stein of Science it’s made for (not to mention that the fit tolerance is rather tight), and the demand hasn’t been all that high. I did the original spec work last year for the rugged 665ml which has slightly different dimensions than the normal FMJs, but different enough that I can’t use the HDPE lid designed for one on the other. And then, well, I kinda moved on to other projects. Someday though…

In the process of firing everything back up in the aftermath of WorldCon 2011 in Reno. More importantly, I have expanded production capacity to a stunning 9L/day starting tomorrow. If this doesn’t sound impressive, well, thhhhpppbbbt. I’m impressed and it’s also necessary to get a head of the backlog in light of the quantity and size of some orders. The first post-Reno shipments start going out tomorrow, so brace yourself.

On to story time…

Before heading to the Carolina shore for some beach shenanigans with friends, Test Subject Zublin decided it would be wise to procure a supply of BBotE for experimentation and, possibly more importantly, letting hijinx ensue. I did admonish her that, no matter how fun it might seem, it is not nice to dose the unsuspecting, even if they are your friends. Armed with BBotE and the handy serving/cocktail instructions, she set out for the coast. One week later, I received this which made me laugh even when I re-read it and that is the sure sign that it should be shared:

The problem with the vodka/coffee combo is that you want more than 100 ml.

 

And you think it’s fine because the vodka is a depressant and should counteract the coffee and anyway you have ALL THESE STAIRS TO RUN UP AND DOWN and hey want to light off some bottle rockets because I love bottle rockets bottle rockets are amazing. Let’s light off three at once and see if they fight!

 

Ahem.

 

I’m not normally a fireworks person but on this particular day we had bottle rockets and roman candles and sparklers, and once you set off one and realize that certain things (namely yourself and the ocean) are not on fire, you want to set them ALL OFF.

 

Especially when under the influence of a truly stunning amount of caffeine. One of the friends who drank it with me on vacation just sent me this with “That’s YOU. That’s what YOU sound like.”

It appears that a good time was had by all. I have a hard time imagining that in this modern day and age the proceedings weren’t captured on video somewhere. Perhaps it will appear online some day when long forgotten videos are downloaded from phones.

Since I’ve had a few questions about it recently,  I though I’d lay it out again with an addition that I realized I’d never actually mentioned before but is important as some folks are getting close to MAXIMUM HONOR.

So, your BBotE can be refilled. Keep a hold of the shipper that I send the bottle to you in. When you finish you bottle, rinse it out and send it back to me. While I may ship BBotE to you either priority of express mail,your empty doesn’t have to return to with any particular speed. Once I get it back, I will email you with a 10% off discount code for your refill order. In the best case scenario, you actually have two bottles going in rotation so that you are never tragically left without BBotE.

NOTE: “refill” means putting new BBotE in your old bottle for you until the bottle is full once more. Hence, re-fill.

If you look at the label, you can see several blank lines so I can note the different varieties & batches you go through as you get refills. When you hit the last line, the next refill is free and you should retire that bottle as it has achieved MAXIMUM HONOR.

Honestly, silly declarations of kung fu cafffeination aside, I would like to promote the reuse of the bottles. I remember the wonderfully battered big Coke bottles I used to buy at the liquor store when I was little and always thought that nice eternal aspect of glass was great. The only complication I see in my plan is that so many people have told me that they adore the bottles that I’ve used that they’re keeping them for something else. That’s recycling too even if it’s not quite what I intended.

NOTE: People in Ireland who’ve been haranguing me about the expense of shipping BBotE, be sure to read all the way through.

Things have been somewhat quiet here lately as I do my best to keep up with the DEADLY RADIATIONS and an unprecedented level of Black Blood of the Earth demand, courtesy of a surprisingly large response from people around the world in the wake of Thrillist, SF & LA Weekly, Bon Appettit, and werd.com. Pretty much since returning from the previous leg of the SCIENTIFIC DRINKING TOUR 2011, I’ve been running at maximum production capacity. On a positive note, this shows me that hey, you all like BBotE as much as I and the Pimps & Pimpstresses do. On the negative, it is scramble to keep a head of you people and the ever-shifting variety of highest demand. In the last year I have never, ever, ever guessed correctly what the next order is going to be so there’s been lags in shipping BBotE longer than the 72hrs I try to work to. C’est le guerre.

First and most importantly, Guatemala Mundo Nuvo is coming back for a limited engagement. After nearly a year of waiting, the lovely folks at Caffe Vita have gotten this year’s harvest of Mundo Nuvo and they heeded my endless whining and pleading to give me mass quantities. Last year a couple dozen people got to try it and, from them, I got a regular drumbeat of “When you gonna get more of that Mundo stuff?” Well, they finished roasting it and its headed my way. I’m putting the Mundo Nuvo pre-order up now, but production of it won’t start until after Worldcon so shipments will start going out the week of the 22nd.

Oh yes, Worldcon 2011 is the next stop on the SCIENTIFIC DRINKING TOUR 2011. So, Reno, NV or convention attendees, this is your chance to let me know what you’d like me to bring with. At the very least, I’m always quite happy to have beers with interesting people. If you spot this odd little man with long red hair and Stein of Science, feel free to say hi and buy me a beer to fill that stein. Hey, it’s worth a shot…oh, and doing shots with me is also acceptable.

Speaking of sci-fi, I had the pleasure of getting to sit down, enjoy several beers and discuss Things of Import (like beer) with author Charles Stross last Saturday as he came through San Francisco for a signing. It remains an enduring wonderment to me when I get asked a professional/expert opinion. Over the years, I’ve gotten quite used to viewing myself as the scientific jack of all trades, the blue collar physicist, so it’s always a surprise when I’m treated as an authority on anything.

If you aren’t already familiar with Mr. Stross’ works and didn’t have a friendly Antarctic astrophysicist to introduce you to them, let me fill that role for you. I recommend starting with the same gateway drug I did, “The Atrocity Archives“, and fall down the rabbit hole from there. Charlie’s brainstorming and open questions to the Internet on his blog never fail to give me something to chew on. They’re interesting enough that I regularly break Internet Rule #2, “Life Is Too Short To Read The Comments”, which is funny in light of the fact that his newest novel is titled “Rule 34” (AKA, and I quote the author, Charlie’s Big Gay Scottish Police Procedural OF THE FUTURE). Never say I didn’t do anything for you.

Next, I am happy to inaugurate the Somewhat Intermittent BBotE Pimp of Dublin. Yes, Dublin, as in Ireland. Your Pimp, Brady, is a student in an American student in Dublin who was kind enough to bestow the rather expensive gift of internationally shipped BBotE on a friend last year. As he travels back and forth across the pond, hence “Somewhat Intermittent Pimp” he will schlepp BBotE for Dubliners who are up for it. The 750ml bottles are likely to end up a bit more expensive than the usual $45 due to the luggage fees, but I’ll leave it up to him to figure out and tell us all what the deal will be, but it will no doubt be a hell of a lot cheaper than international shipping would otherwise be. If you want to drop him a line he can be reached at manningb [at] tcd [dot] ie.

Lastly, the pre-order for the late August Death Wish 750ml BBotE runs are also up too. The last of the mid-August ones should be going out this Saturday, so brace yourself if you’ve been waiting impatiently.

The Pimpstress of Greater Los Angeles had a brilliant idea last night that makes me sad to be 400 miles away from her. I remember when I dosed any brave souls that were willing with BBotE at her wedding last year. Fire and puppetry were already on the docket, but I feel the BBotE contributed to the awesome as well. Meditating upon this wisdom caused her to ask, “Why not do this intentionally to willing victims?” And thus the idea of the BBotE Tasting Party (emphasis on Party, I suspect) was born.

Have a chance to sample the various varieties, within limits of reasonable consumption, enjoy BBotE cocktails, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were still people playing with fire. So, she asks me to ask you, “Who wants to be notified when new shipments come in and about the Tasting Party and such?”

If you do, drop her a line here: bbote-la-subscribe@usefulmonkey.net

EDIT: She says this probably won’t happen until after Burning Man. Just FYI.

The week before I last, I lamented the passing of one my favorite varieties of BBotE, my light roast of choice and representative of the coffees of the Americas…Panama. Don’t get picky on me and point out that the Kona comes from Hawaii and that’s part of America(TM): The Country. I will get all frustrated geologist on yer buttocks and start discussing tectonic plates, volcanic modes, and source magmas.

Into this void, of both light roast and Americas in the BBotE lineup some strong contenders have stepped up:

1. The heavenly Colombia is back again, albeit in continued frustratingly small quantity. I will eventually convince this roaster that all her other efforts pale beside this one.
2. A roaster in San Francisco, Test Subject Stevus, heard my plight and we got to discussing the the joys and challenges of working with light roasts, plus the wonderful fruity flavors of the Americas. When I told him that my very favorite BBotE I’ve ever made was a Guatemalan, he snapped his fingers and said he knew what to do. So, in the near future I will be getting a light roast of his favorite Guatemalan. More news as it develops.
3. Hot on the heels of that conversation, I was contacted by the folks at Caffe Vita to let me know that their Guatemala Mundo Nuvo was about to be available again. Of all the short run BBotEs I’ve made, this is the one for which I’ve received the most pleading to make more. TEN MONTHS of waiting for more will soon come to an end. If you’re lucky, I might even share it rather than wallow in the Mundo Nuvo like Scrooge McDuck in his Money Bin.

I had a bit of a rude surprise last night when I went to one of my favorite roasters to procure more Panama to lay in a bit of supplies in light of the recent BBotE order extravaganza. I was informed that they were out of Panama, and several other Central American varieties I’ve been tinkering with, “for the foreseeable future”. This is a bit heartbreaking as I am very fond of light roasts but it’s so hard to find them with good, consistent flavor and their Panama was my winner. So, back to the drawing board hunting for good new light roasts.

Where it gets a bit more worrisome is that I started putting two and two together about the fact that I’ve told of Central American supply problems from several roasters over the last few months with no good explanation. So I started poking around a bit and discovered that this appears to be a rather low coffee yield La Nina year down there.

The current orders for Panama will be fulfilled with the stock I have on hand but as of last night I yanked it off the website. Where this will get a little tricky in the future is with the BBotE sampler 10 pack. I would like to fill the void Panama has left in our hearts with another light roast and/or a representative from the Americas but I don’t have one of those ready to go yet. Malabar is a contender for a light roast, but for the time being I will be substituting the rather tasty Colombia from last week’s experimentation which has proven itself to be replicable.

In the wake of Thrillist saying hello, I’ve gotten some more interesting questions than normal which need sharing.

Question 1: “Have you considered getting a government contract and supplying the FAA so that they can keep all the pilots and air traffic controllers awake?”

Answer: Interestingly enough, I have seen the FAA pop up in the ol’ site traffic monitor from time to time. It always gets my attention when I see government agencies or, better yet, military. To the best of my knowledge, no one is powering  a 747 or control tower with BBotE but that doesn’t mean that it hasn’t happened. I am aware of at least three servicemen that have decided that BBotE is the safe and sane way to survive extended watch & flight duty without resorting to more interesting chemistry.

Also, PROTIP: Turkish authorities will confiscate BBotE bound for forward operating bases. Wait until you cycle back to Germany or make friends with a pilot that can schlepp it to you.

I’m totally waiting to be told that BBotE has become a budget line item in either a grant proposal or operating budget.

Question 2 (spelling preserved from the original text): “can u give me warren ellis address so I can send him something to? Youve sent him BBotE so u got it, rite?”

Answer Part 1: You are setting off multiple creepy alarm bells. Not only no, but hell no.

Answer Part 2: While purchasing BBotE or a Stein of Science is a far cry from HIPAA levels of confidentiality, that would be unethical in the extreme. Also, think for a second, you are also asking someone who used to hold a Q Clearance to divulge information. They tend not to hand those to people willy nilly and the obligations of the clearance don’t end until death. I like to think that I earned that level of trust for a good reason. So, double plus hell fucking no.

Question 3: “Do you accept payment options other than Paypal? After what they pulled with Wikileaks last year I don’t really want to do business with them if I don’t have to.”

Answer: Sure we can find other ways to do it, but it is likely to slow down the process of getting your loot out to you. Paypal is the only electronic payment service that I’ve established so far (mainly because it’s so damn easy) but other tinkering is in progress. I’m always open to suggestions if you have a particular favorite.

Heck, I’ll take checks & money orders if you insist but things will have to clear before I can ship things out. Email me to work out arrangements if you’d like to go this way.

Of course, cash is king but that would require you to be in My Presence. The good news is that often also means that we are probably drinking beer together as well.

To everyone joining the conversation thanks to a recent piece run by Cal alum Grant Marek, welcome. You’ll all be happy to know he survived his exposure to BBotE. There’ve been just a few orders of BBotE since then, so I thought it might be time for a quick State of the Funranium Labs Address:

1. As with everything else, orders are First Come, First Served.
2. Production is limited to 6L/day. There’s a little bit of a backlog built right now, so gratification on your caffeination needs might not quite be instant.
3. If you’re interested in local hand off, please contact your most convenient Pimp/Pimpstress to see what they’ve got on hand and arrange a hand off. If they don’t have what you want, you’re always welcome to order it directly here. Alternatively, if you can wait a little bit, let them know what you want and they’ll ask for it to be included in their next shipment.
4. I have placed a pre-order up for the next run of 750ml Death Wish BBotE. Production on this will be done toward the end of this month, but there was enough demand from people wanting to get their name in the hat, I figured this was the easiest way.
5. If you are a San Francisco Bay Area local, by far the best place for us to meet up an grab your BBotE from me is on Thursdays at the St. George Distillery, sometime between 5:30-7pm. It is an opportunity to not only pick up your caffeinated delights from me but also partake of their delicious wares with a tasting and enjoy the lovely view across the bay. Who knows, you might catch the Mythbusters playing out on the old runways.